An Idiot’s Guide to Corona. The virus.

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1. Take it easy. The worst part of all this is the fear. More people die from the flu, car accidents, or guns. As of Saturday, March 7th, 19 Americans had died from Covid19, compared to 1177 every week from the flu, 746 from car crashes, and 294 from gunshots.

2. Wash your hands like your life depends on it. Because it does. Not only for Corona, but for the many germs you’ll acquire from touching elevator buttons, doorknobs, or somebody else’s hand. Or the dirtiest thing on earth: money: Everybody handles it, and nobody washes it. Except for the mob. And me, when I forget it in my pockets.

3. Stay home if you’re sick. Same with your children.

4. Disinfect frequently touched surfaces: Shared pens. Door handles. Water taps and toilet flushes.

5. Avoid meetings and crowded spaces, especially those hard to leave from, like planes, conferences, and churches.

6. If you want to chill with your friends, go outside: go skiing, hiking or skating rather than bowling, clubbing or the movies. More fresh air and fewer germs.

7. Cough and sneeze in your elbow or shoulder or in a tissue, not in your hand.

8. Stay away from those who sneeze, cough, or look sick.

9. Vaccinate. There’s no vaccine for Corona yet, I know. Still, more people have died from flu this year than they did from Corona all over the world.

10. If you have a fever and body aches, take Motrin or Tylenol, stay home and call your doctor.

11. Don’t touch your face or pick your nose. It only contains what it always does, boogers. But if you must, at least wash your hands first. And after.

12. Keep well hydrated with water, Gatorade, or the fluid of your choice. Note: Corona beer isn’t named after the virus, isn’t infused with it, and it won’t give you the disease. Unless you share the bottle with somebody who’s sick.

13. Remember that, unless you’re old and ill, you’ll likely recover fully, even if you catch it. Better odds than for bike crashes, bad investments, and fights with your spouse.

14. Make sure you have advanced directives. This isn’t about Corona. It’s about being prepared and in control of your life no matter what happens.

15. Rest, relax, and live healthily. Stress, lack of sleep, poor nutrition, and poor hygiene will weaken your immune system. Get enough sleep, eat well, and wash your hands. Again.

Don’t: 

1. Don’t shake hands. You don’t know where their hands have been, and you don’t want to get whatever they acquired there. Smile instead.

2. Don’t eat, drink or scratch your face if you haven’t just washed your hands really well with water, soap, and enthusiasm. Wash them like the toilet paper was too thin.

3. Don’t visit all-you-can-eat buffets, and don’t try food samples. Remember the celebrity who licked a doughnut then put it back? She’s not the only one. Sitting by the table of a buffet dinner cured me of buffet dinners. The things people do when they think nobody’s watching will make you shudder.

4. Don’t share masks.

5. Don’t go visit grandma in the nursing home if you have the sniffles. Call her instead.

6. Don’t go to the ER unless you’re deathly ill, immunocompromised, or really bored. You’ll spend a long time there, get loads of rotten looks, get irradiated, and get a hefty bill to pay, plus everybody else’s germs. The one thing you’re unlikely to get is a straight answer since testing kits are still hard to come by.

7. Don’t eat things that aren’t supposed to be eaten. Avoid pangolin, bats, civet cats, and bush meat. Avoid socializing with them too.

8. Don’t expect a Corona vaccine before next year. Vaccines take a long time to develop, because: 1) They need to work. 2) They need to be safe. That takes time and testing.

9. Don’t have unprotected sex. Not Corona specific, other than sharing body fluids, but it’s good advice. Other viruses like HIV and Herpes, also Syphilis, Chlamydia, and their other friends are looking for a loving host. Don’t let it be you.

10. Don’t call the ER to ask if they’re busy. They’re busy. Even if they weren’t, they wouldn’t give medical advice by phone. Call your doctor, and wait for them to call back. They will, as soon as they catch up with the sick and the many worried-well.

11. Don’t rub yourself all over with garlic. That’s not for Corona, that’s for vampires. Though, if you eat raw garlic, most people are likely to keep their viruses away from you.

12. Don’t share an ice cream cone, water bottles, or cutlery. Don’t let people taste your food, and don’t try theirs, no matter how good it looks.

13. Don’t drink bleach. It won’t help. Unless you inhale it, bleach goes to your stomach, while the virus targets your lungs. It will hurt, A LOT, as it burns your throat.

14. Don’t believe all the stuff you read on social media. Misinformation has become an infodemic.

15. Don’t share it either. Prayer is good for the soul, but it’s unlikely to destroy the virus. Corona is not a hoax, a democratic ploy, or a biological weapon released by the Chinese. It’s not invented by vaccine companies to make money. Otherwise, they’d sell it to you now. Elderberry, vitamins of any persuasion, or getting exorcised are unlikely to help. Wash your hands.

Rada Jones MD is an Emergency Doc in Upstate NY, where winters are long, people are sturdy, and the geese speak mainly French. She lives with her husband, Steve, and his black deaf cat Paxil. She’s the author of three ER thrillers: OVERDOSE, MERCY, and POISON, and a collection of tongue-in-cheek medical essays, Stay Away From My ER. Find more at RadaJonesMD.com.

 

 

13 thoughts on “An Idiot’s Guide to Corona. The virus.

  1. Rada I read Overdose (ok, I cheated and listened to it on Audible) and I loved it!! Just read An Idiot’s Guide to Corona. The Virus. -And loved it too. We need to get it out there. Make people laugh(read: calm down) while being smart about this instead of getting into fights at the supermarket over 36 packs of toilet paper. I, for one, will pass this article on!! Thanks again Doctor! -CJ (RN, BSN)

  2. I think President Trump and Vice President Pence should take an unscheduled trip to Washington state and invite Mitch McConnell and go to as many senior citizen homes and shake hands with as many people that are showing signs of the flu and the coronavirus to show Americans that as President Trump believes the coronavirus is nothing but a hoax. Also remind President Trump to go shake hands with everyone in his family BEFORE he washes his hands!!!

  3. Disagree with #15. Prayer will help. Never underestimate the power of prayer. Have faith!! God can do anything ☦️

  4. Agree with 99%, but you are assuming that this Coronavirus is not a Chinese germ warfare gone wrong. Well that is your right, but I am assuming it is.

      1. And what difference does it make to the average person if it is, or isn’t, a Chinese germ warfare. We’re sick , practice good infection control. If you can’t even have the guts to share your credentials that would give you credibility, all you’re doing is stirring up anxiety and panic. That’s not what we need now.

    1. Yes it is Lab created but not gone wrong. Just like AIDS, SARS,and now Corona Virus. These are population control germs. Only to kill the week and infirmed.

      1. Where are idiots like this getting their information?
        Oh, I know, they simply assert as fact something they wish to believe.
        Like a certain orange-haired “leader” we are saddled with.

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