Stay away from my ER: An excerpt. 

I’m an ER doc. I care for patients. All patients: Those who need to be in the ER; those who don’t; those who wouldn’t be there if they knew better. For them, for you and for fun, I’ve got some tips to keep you happy, safe and away from my ER. Enjoy.

  1. Never, ever say “hold my beer and watch this!” Besides “I do!” they are the most dangerous words ever spoken. They’re a harbinger of disaster worse than “Winter is coming.” They have their own section on YouTube – great watch after a rough day. They’re better than kittens. Still, hold on to your beer.
  2. NEVER drink and drive. It’s obvious, but it’s obviously not obvious enough. As per CDC, in 2016, 10,497 people died in alcohol-impaired driving crashes, accounting for 28% of all traffic-related deaths in the US. They’re still counting 2018.
  3. Same with drugs. Any drugs. Legal, illegal, yours, or borrowed. Except for Tylenol. And Motrin. They’re OK.
  4. Don’t tell your significant other that your life is no longer worth living, just to upset them. If they call 911, EMS will bring you to me. I’ll keep you until you’re legally sober if it takes a week.  By the time you’re sober, got your evaluation and went home, your significant other has had a chance to enjoy life without you. Speak wisely.
  5. Shoveling the roof is overrated. Especially in winter. It comes with broken heels, fractured backs, and ER trips. The roof is for the birds.  And cats. You’re human. Stay on the ground.
  6. Your motorcycle? The one you love? I love them too, but I sold mine. My first MCA patient came by ambulance. His leg followed in another car. I’ll get a motorcycle when I get terminal cancer. For now, I’ll stick with my car. Not your thing? At least wear a helmet.
  7. Do not, I repeat, do not, stick your hand in your snowblower to clean it. You may never be able to play the guitar or tie your shoes again, and it may put a damper on your loving.  Yourself or others
  8. If you’ve been coughing for a week and you smoke, go buy honey. Don’t come to the ER unless you have a fever, you’re short of breath or you have chest pain. You’ll cough for at least three weeks. There’s nothing I can do to stop that unless I kill you. That will stop your cough, but it’s illegal.
  9. Your twelve-years-of-God-awful-back-pain? Unless something’s really different today, the ER is not the place for it.Especially now, that Percocet has become a 4-letter word. You’ll wait, and wait. You’ll get a lot of rotten looks and a script for ibuprofen — 600 mg every 6hrs — or acetaminophen — 650 mg every 6hrs. That’s Motrin and Tylenol. Go get them over the counter, and don’t overdose.
  10. If you have an appointment with your doctor, don’t cancel it to come to the ER instead because you’re too sick to see your doctor. Unless your doctor is Dr. Seuss, Dr. Pepper or a plastic surgeon, caring for sick people is what your doctor does. Keep your appointments.
  11. Don’t separate fighting dogs with your bare hands. Dogs can handle dog bites better than you can. They come from wolves. We come from monkeys. We’re out of their league. Stay out of it or use a prop.
  12. Don’t throw gasoline on an open flame unless you’re looking for a Brazilian wax.
  13. NEVER EVER stand around minding your own business. It’s one of the most dangerous things known to man. 90% of my assault victims were doing just that.

STAY AWAY FROM MY ER, and other fun bits of wisdom is a collection of my rants medical humor essays, previously published on my website, KevinMD, and Doximity, and reproduced  – usually with permission – on other venues.

5 Responses

  1. Your humor always delights me and this is a good laugh as usual….keep up the good work and please don’t stop!

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